by Tommy Gimler
The Astros are the worst organization is professional sports, the Angels are only 4 games out of the AL West cellar, and while Ryan Dempster misplaced his passport, he still wasn’t as much of a dipshit as Melky Cabrera…
Stud Team of the Week – Seattle Mariners (5-1)
If the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim don’t turn their season around soon, they might find themselves in the AL West cellar. That’s because after winning seven of their last eight games, the Seattle Mariners are only six games under .500. But they sure as shit aren’t doing it with their hitting. First of all, first baseman Justin Smoak blows. Second, Seattle’s .233 batting average is good for 29th in MLB, and they have the worst SLG %, OBP, and OPS. Over their last five games (all wins), the Mariners have averaged less than 3.5 runs per game.
But I guess that’s all you need when your ace Felix Hernandez retires all 27 Tampa Bay Rays hitters he faces. His perfect game last week was the second at Safeco Field, the first time two perfect games have been thrown in the same stadium in the same year. And it’s not just the Rays who are having trouble hitting Mariners’ pitching. Seattle ranks 4th in MLB in opponents’ batting average (.243), 2nd in WHIP (1.21), and 9th in ERA (3.74).
The Mariners are now only four games behind the reeling Angels, who have lost nine of their last twelve games…
Runner(s) Up: Tampa Bay Rays (5-2), Baltimore Orioles (4-2), Cincinnati Reds (5-2), Los Angeles Dodgers (5-2)
DUD Team of the Week – Houston Astros (1-5)
Starting at the top with new team owner Jim Crane all the way to the bottom with their latest bullpen arm called up from Triple A that can’t speak a lick of English, the Houston Astros are a fucking joke. Who else (other than maybe the Pirates in years past) strips their entire team of the few pieces of talent that were on it and then fires their manager before the season ends?
After their sell-off, what did management expect Brad Mills to do with a starting lineup whose average Major League service before the 2012 season was 130 games? Take outfielder Ben Francisco out of the equation, and that number drops to 83 games. It’s the equivalent of your wife taking a shit in your bed and then saying, “Hey. My parents are going to be here in two minutes. Clean it up.”
The Astros rank near the bottom in MLB in almost every major hitting and pitching category. These turds can’t even field the ball correctly, ranking 27th in errors committed with 88. It all adds up to Houston owning the worst record in baseball, and an embarrassing 7-37 mark since July 1st…
Runner(s) Up: Minnesota Twins (1-5), Cleveland Indians (1-5), LA Angels of Anaheim (2-5)
Stud Player of the Week – P Felix Hernandez, Seattle Mariners
Felix Hernandez threw the first perfect game in Seattle Mariners history on Wednesday, but because he plays for the Mariners, he still almost lost. King Felix needed 113 pitches to retire all 27 batters he faced in Seattle’s 1-0 win over the Tampa Bay Rays, striking out 12 of them. The Mariners’ hitters sucked a little bit less, scoring their one run on just five hits.
Hernandez became the third pitcher to throw a perfect game this season, the first time that has happened in MLB history. King Felix’s perfect game also marks the sixth no-hitter of 2012. It was the second no-hitter for the Mariners’ pitching staff this season. Although, the first one needed a half dozen pitchers to be completed. That’s about as sexy as losing your virginity in a gang bang.
And what is the deal with Tampa Bay? The Rays have been no-hit four times since 2009. The next closest team to that mark of futility has had it happen to them only once. Since Carlos Pena was in the lineup, they basically took the field with only eight hitters today. Who knows? Maybe Joe Maddon just needs to issue each player a set of his thick-rimmed glasses…
Runner(s) Up: Nick Swisher, Mike Trout, Ryan Braun, Albert Pujols, Ryan Ludwick, Hanley Ramirez
DUD Player of the Week – P Ryan Vogelsong, San Francisco Giants/SS Cody Ransom, Milwaukee Brewers
It takes quite a bit to be the biggest bum in baseball when you’re a pitcher, especially during a week where Randy Wolf gets two starts. But Ryan Vogelsong was just that, lasting only 5 2/3 innings over his two starts and giving up 17 hits and 11 earned runs. His ERA for the season is still a dominant 2.85, but it was 2.27 when the week began.
What’s more embarrassing than Brewers’ shortstop Cody Ransom finishing the week with only one hit? How about the fact that this guy somehow got 17 plate appearances. That’s good for a .059 batting average, OBP, and SLG %. One hit, zero walks, and nine strikeouts. Damn.
Since getting cut by Arizona in May because he sucks, Ransom has been even worse with the Brewers. In 59 games, Ransom has only 29 hits in 159 at-bats (.182 average). He is also striking out 42% of the time he steps up to the plate (76 K’s to 51 hits/walks). To put that in perspective, the strikeout king Adam Dunn only whiffs 34% of the time he comes up to bat.
So how is this turd still getting playing time with the Brewers? My only guess is that he walked in on manager Ron Roenicke giving Doug Melvin the ol’ rusty trombone…
Runner(s) Up: Kelly Johnson, Carlos Beltran, Melky Cabrera, Andres Torres
Dumbest Logan Morrison Tweet of the Week
Didn’t have $ to tip the valet, so I offered him a hug instead. He accepted… #NoHomoJustLoMo #TGIF #BestTipperInTheLeague
The DUD’s Response
@LoMoMarlins He better shower before he sucks, too…
If You Ain’t Cheatin’, You Ain’t Tryin’
San Francisco Giants outfielder Melky Cabrera will miss the rest of the regular season and then some after testing positive for a high level of testosterone. The All-Star MVP* was having a career year, leading all of baseball in hits, and now we know why.
But what started off as Cabrera exiting the season on a classy note (well, as classy as a cheater can be) by owning up to the suspension and apologizing for it, has now turned into a “no fucking way did he do that” situation.
According to the New York Daily News, Cabrera’s agents paid $10,000 to Juan Nunez to create a website about a phony supplement that Cabrera took that unknowingly spiked his testosterone levels. MLB officials were quick to unravel the mystery, doing it without the help of Fred, Scooby, and the gang. Nunez has since owned up to the scheme, but said that Cabrera’s agents had nothing to do with it.
So, if you were thinking about robbing your local bank and then creating a fake rap sheet online about your minority neighbor, you might want to think again. No matter how smart and creative you think you are, somebody is always smarter…
UPDATE: Jon Heyman from CBS Sports is reporting that Cabrera’s 50-game suspension might face a further penalty for trying to dupe the commissioner’s office. Heyman also said that before last week’s embarrassing episode, Cabrera was in line to get a 5-year, $65 million deal in free agency this offseason, but now he’ll be lucky to get a three-year deal. Good call, Melky, you dipshit…
Did you know?
Texas Rangers pitcher Ryan Dempster didn’t travel with the team for their three-game series this weekend in Toronto because he misplaced his passport. The Rangers weren’t worried about getting Dempster into Canada, but they were very concerned with their ability to get him out of the country.
With Dempster’s 1-1 record and 8.31 ERA since being traded from the Chicago Cubs at the deadline, maybe the Rangers should have rolled the dice…
How The DUD’s Over/Under Bets Look:
Milwaukee Brewers OVER 81.5 wins – DAMN!
LA Angels of Anaheim OVER 89.5 wins – DAMN!
Kansas City Royals UNDER 78.5 wins – You fucking know it!
Houston Astros UNDER 62.5 wins – You fucking know it!
On pace for: 2-2
Uncle Bob says: Usually a managerial change creates a spark and improved play for a team, but luckily, there isn’t an ounce of talent currently starting for the Astros. They have to finish 24-16 for you to lose. The Royals have been hot as of late, but they would still have to finish the year on a 25-17 run for you to lose. Unfortunately, your Angels have to finish 28-12 for you to cash in on that shitty bet, and your Brewers are, how should I say this, dicked…
